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graduating into unemployment

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Taken by Ivan

So I officially graduated two weeks ago. This also effectively means that I am now officially unemployed. A large part of my time and energy is now dispensed on the act of waiting, which becomes extremely frustrating when I’m unable to distract myself sufficiently in the meantime. The process is time sensitive and feels like an epic mind game of sorts with unseen forces and my own mind, as I try to not make a stupid decision based on what I have and know, right then, right now. Tomorrow it may be different. Tomorrow may have another door closed or open, or both. Tomorrow may require a conscious yes or no from myself, but what if the day after tomorrow churns out something that will make me slap myself for saying yes or no?

Being someone with multiple interests and no singular focused path, without the call of my gut feeling, I turn to logic. And logical reasoning churns out pros and cons that line up equalled between options. Yet in the course of 23 years, the one thing I have learnt and known – though I act against it sometimes still – is that decisions made based on attempted logical reasoning and against intuition never turns out well. The hardest thing now is that this said intuition is meek and dormant in this search, although I have a niggling feeling it is because I am keeping the ‘big dreams’ in check for now…(and yes, intuition whispers, you know what’s going to happen, eh…)

Why not pursue these ‘big dreams’, then? I can’t say I’m not, I feel that I’m still too lacking, and I wish to have the patience in being built up bit by bit, without losing hope nor focus, whilst still fulfilling the requirements and expectations of society and physically being. Where that fine line of balance will be has to be decided on myself, and I hope – pray – for the patience and wisdom to choose the next step in time.

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