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                                                              Barcelona, 2013 (Ilford Delta 400) The greatest challenge now is not the physical and mental exhaustion, or the never-ending barrage of tasks and learning points. It’s to answer the questions bouncing around my head that dive right into the root of my abilities, self-worth and purpose. Answering these can only come later as all energy and concentration is needed, but these questions are growing louder as I plod along, counting down the days. Advertisements

a black hole is black

                                                                Singapore, 2009 (Kodak BW400CN) It’s scary to think that I have perhaps wasted a good few years. Precious time. So precious. It’s scary to think that I have perhaps destroyed relationships…for good. It’s scary to think that I am relying on chemicals to function, for the implication is that I am not sufficient without, whether for now or always. But. What I have gained…they feel like all the things I have been searching for for so long, desperately, consciously, unconsciously. They’re worth the fight. I have been wanting to return to my roots, for so long…

Loss. Lost. Losing.

For years now, I’ve been hiding beneath prose based on ambiguity, non-specific on purpose because they blunt the sharpness of honesty. Ironically, yet naturally, by not being completely honest with myself, words are stoppered. I’ve gone through phases of reasoning : fear of vulnerability, narcissism within expression, resistance against existence. And here is the bare naked truth: I am still struggling. Struggling with the simplest of everyday behaviour, struggling with morals and truths, struggling with loving oneself.

grease bubble

MacD’s during lunchtime: there are groups of people happy in conversation and shaking fries, duos taking earnestly and quietly, people in work clothes streaming in and out, students, big groups looking and waiting for seats but what attracts me are the people alone the middle-aged lady in front of me who can not stay still, can not stop moving, looking left right up down, at her phone, at everyone else, turning her wrist as if to check the time but she doesn’t, dipping fries and fidgeting and munching and scratching her hair all at once, she makes me feel stoned in her jittery movement another girl beyond lost in her thoughts, lost in the motion of hand to fry, fry to mouth – she clears her own tray before leaving, did she enjoy the meal another eating purposefully and slowly whilst reading from her iPad, clearing the bun and pathetic smattering of cabbage shreds before moving on to the double patties atop flattened bread bile and nausea suddenly arises to protest against the sick greasy smell …

                                                        Singapore, 2012 (Ilford Delta 400)sometimes I feel like the love for my parents might drown me but I’m always thankful for them, who have taught me love

Pascal Grob

    amazing photography by Pascal Grob amazing portraits reposted here captures, melts and inspires light, contrasts, soft, shapes of shadows reminds me to make full use of lm-10 reminds me of last summer makes me want to travel so bad firstly, I have to travel through my documentation in film last year …excited!